How To Tell A Married Man Is Using You — 15 Clear Signs

If you are dating a committed man, then lady, you are in a risky situation. A serious relationship with a married man is rare, and sooner or later, you are going to notice the signs a married man is using you. Unless you are sure that you are in ‘it’ for the fun part, dating a married man is only going to give you pain and the tag of being the ‘other woman’.

A lot of married men date other woman to fill the gaps in their married life, and some also love the thrill of being with another woman. When it’s a married man in the equation, you should know that he is not looking for a life partner in you. That may sound bitter, but is the truth

And just to give you a low-down on this situation, married men and infidelity go hand in hand.

Before you judge me for succumbing to stereotypes, here’s a statistic that’ll make you think the same — 1 in 5 married Americans have had at least one extra marital affair over the course of their marriage. This amounts to about 28% of them cheating, whereas 41% of married men have at least thought about having a sexual relationship with someone outside of the marriage.

In the rare case a married man does fall in love with you, they have too much on their plate to even think about before becoming exclusive with you. It’s much more complicated than you can imagine.

But love is blind and lovers cannot see, so If you are also dating a committed man or suspect the guy you are investing your emotions are is married, it‘s best to go through this article and prepare yourself for any outcome that may lay ahead.

15 Clear Signs A Married Man Is Using You

Is it fair to blame just one gender for this adultery? No. Not at all. According to another recent study, it has been found that nearly 90% of single women prefer men who are already in a serious relationship. Perhaps they come off as caring and responsible.

Plus, the additional thrill of doing something forbidden makes it more exhilarating for both the genders. You’ve been on dates and bitten the forbidden apple. Now you feel like something’s amiss.

Love should make you feel wanted, valued and respected. But you feel you are just losing yourself over someone whose actions and words do not match. You feel like you are being used but you are not so sure about it. You start to wonder if this man you are with even have any feelings for you.

Don’t worry. We are here to tell you all the subtle and obvious signs he loves his wife more than you and is just using you:

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1. He keeps changing the hotels you meet at

Like any other relationship, yours must have also started on a mesmerizing note. Date nights, mushy conversations, and romantic gestures. Soon, you took it to the next level and started meeting him at hotel rooms.

However, you always meet at new places, it’s never one or same hotel or one destination. Such a relationship is doomed to fall flat sooner or later.

He keeps changing hotels because your married man doesn’t want anyone to find out what’s actually happening between the two of you.

He is careful not to run into anyone he knows. He is scared and it’s a fact that he is using you emotionally and sexually. He wants to keep you hidden. So much for being a secret muse, huh?

Also, you are never allowed to decide where you meet. It’s always his choice. This shows that he doesn’t really care about your likes and dislikes and is only concerned about his needs getting satisfied.

2. You can’t call him at certain hours

Is that a rule between the two of you? You can’t call him ever or at certain hours. You cannot call him when you want to talk to him. He has clearly defined time zones for you.

That’s because his wife is around during those hours and he is spending (quality) time with his family.

When you ask him why you can’t call him, he will say he has a sick child at home or his parents are visiting him for the weekend.

This is not a new relationship you are in where lovers are looking for excuses to talk or text. It’s an extramarital affair- and they are always with conditions.

You were not in a good place when he entered your life and perhaps that’s why you moved ahead. But now you need to think from another viewpoint. He is already in a committed relationship and you are the only one in his life with rules and regulations to follow.

On the other hand, he will call you whenever he wants and show up at your door with wild whims and fancies. Sure should qualify as a huge red flag.

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3. He doesn’t entertain vulnerability

According to studies, vulnerability is emerging as a strong foundational facet of fulfilling relationships. It works wonders in taking your relationship forward.

For example; when you share your whole heart with someone, you hope they will love you for who you are and will see your value despite imperfections. But that is not the case in your relationship. It’s as if your personal life is none of his business and vice versa.

It’s a rare occasion when a married man falls in love and if you are his soulmate, he would be vulnerable with you and will encourage you to open your heart too.

But your married man doesn’t want to shatter the image of his perfect lover because when that happens, you will become just another relationship to him which he doesn’t want in his life. This one can really put you through a lot of pain.

4. It’s always about his convenience

A married man can be sexually attracted to you but that doesn’t mean he wants to be in a serious relationship with you. That’s why nothing in this relationship will be equal and everything that is will be conditional.

• “If my wife goes to visit her parents this weekend, I will call you”
• “Don’t text me after 8 p.m., thats when I give time to my family”
• “I can’t stand my wife but I need to take her to Spain for her birthday. Don’t call or text for those 5 days”
• Sorry, I cannot make it today, have to rush for family luncheon today. Will miss you but you understand, right?”

Get the idea? Everything will be about his convenience. He will meet you when he is in the mood to meet. He will even go to the extent of ditching plans just because he is lazy and wants to spend time with his family members.

Here are some concrete signs your relationship is based on his convenience:

• You feel like his mistress and not his better half
• It’s always small talks. Nothing beyond that
• He doesn’t make any effort to get to know you better
• You don’t have any mutual friends
• He often gives you the silent treatment
• He threatens to leave you
• He rarely makes eye contact with you

You love him but he is married and that’s never a good thing. He expects you to dress up for him but he won’t do the same for you. It can be heartbreaking and it’s time you open your eyes and see things as they are. It hurts to have been used by a man like a piece of crockery, but you have to be stronger than that.

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5. He dodges future-related questions

When two people get into a relationship, they do tend to feature in each others’ future plans.

A married man will never entertain future talks with a woman he is having a casual affair with. He could if he is serious about her but if he is using her, then he will try as much as he can to dodge questions like:

• Are you going to leave your wife?
• Will you ever introduce me to your family?
• Where is this going?
• Are we ever going to meet in public places?
• Will we ever get married?
• Why don’t you hold my hands in public?

You want a future because you’re in love with him but he is a married player who is leading you on without giving any commitment. He is clear in his head but you have been thinking of being with him from the beginning. That’s when your expectations clash hard.

If he doesn’t see a long-term relationship with you, he should come out clean and confess that he can’t make future plans with you.

You are a strong woman and you will get over it but being led on like this isn’t good for your mental health. It’s one of the blatant signs he won’t leave his wife for anyone and you will always be the ‘side chick’.

6. He never says “I love you”

When you tell someone you love them, you provide emotional support to move ahead in this relationship. You feed their love with yours. That’s what you’ve been doing for him but he hasn’t said those three magical words. Not even in his weakest moments with you.

It’s because he isn’t emotionally attached to you and would leave you in a heartbeat. He is with you either for his physical needs or ego boost to feel young and desirable.

He is having a great time with you, sure, but he is not looking to be the ‘one’ for you. Take this with a pinch of salt but you are strong enough to get over it.

If you’ve been dating for more than six months now, then it’s high time he confessed his true feelings for you.

In fact, research has found that men often say I love you before women do as it signals commitment regarding the future. Now, what is he waiting for?

Oh, feelings. True ones which he doesn’t have for you. That’s why he hasn’t uttered any word of affirmation or commitment yet. You can’t really force him to love you. Assess this situation and don’t let anyone make you question your self-worth.

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7. He love bombs you

One of the warning signs that a married man is using you is when he love bombs you. When you are mad at him for ditching a date night, he will smother you with his love and sweet talks.

When you do something wrong or get on his nerves, he will change his behavior in an instant and he will act like he is the purest soul on earth who has never done anything wrong.

Here are some signs your married man is love bombing you:

• Using excessive flattery and words of encouragement to make you do something you don’t want to do
• He encourages you talk everything about your childhood and family, whereas his details remain a secret
• He will demand constant validation from you
• Having a clingy behavior then constantly complaining that you are not giving him any space

In such cases even if he says he loves you, he doesn’t mean it. It’s not good for your mental health to be in such a relationship where you are showered with love one moment and treated like a stranger the other.

According to studies, this is what narcissists do to lower your self-confidence and self-esteem.

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8. He buys your silence with gifts

You ask him to make your relationship public, he spends money on you.

You ask him to take you on a vacation during the holiday season, he buys your silence with gifts, big favors, and lavish dinner dates.

When you find yourself in such situations, don’t be so gullible and let him walk all over you. It will harm you emotionally when it finally dawns on you that you are being used in a relationship.

He is playing mind games with you by thinking that expensive things will make you forget all about his disrespect and how he treated you. This is one of the common signs he is feeding you empty promises while still being married to someone else.

You don’t want a man like that in your life. You don’t want to be used for money. You need an empathetic person who will understand your perspective and will validate your feelings.

Natasha, a 23-year-old nursing student writes, “I met a married man online and started having an affair with him. He says he loves me but stays with her and whenever I ask him to make me his primary focus or get legally separated from his wife, he ghosts me. Then he comes back a few weeks later with gifts and flowers. I feel so used.”

9. You’ve never been to his place

When a married man says he misses you, it’s a lie, especially if he has never invited you to his place. It’s one of the glaring signs a married man is using you.

Here you are talking to a married man everyday yet you don’t even know where he lives. He has a married life, a home to go back to every day and you are just someone he is passing his time with.

His relationship status with his wife is clear. But it’s not transparent with you. This shows that this dynamic isn’t mutually beneficial.

He is the only one who is getting a kick out of this, whereas you are miserable and it’s taking a toll on your emotional well-being. Even if he has lost his connection with his wife, he won’t just abandon her, but he will use you to fill that emotional and physical void.

10. It’s either sexting or booty calls

Yes. It will be all about wham, bam, and thank you ma’am. Nothing beyond that. You are being used by a man for his physical gratification.

If his wife and children are away, he will text you and the messages will be raunchy, indicating his desire to have phone sex with you.

There is a term for this situation and it’s called booty-call relationship. Research states that such relationships are characterized by a combination of two acts:

• Emotional acts like kissing on the lips and hand holding
• Sexual acts like touching each other in a sexual manner to full on sexual intercourse

Just because he indulges in emotional acts when the two of you are alone doesn’t mean he has genuine feelings with you. He won’t leave his wife for you and it’s one of the signs of a married player. The sooner you accept it, the better it will be for your emotional well-being.

11. You’re not his only side piece

You might be under the impression that you’re the only one he is talking to. Well.. you are probably wrong.

There are other women in his life who are just as clueless about you. He is stringing them along just as he is playing with your feelings. He is a serial dater.

Such men love being validated by more than one woman. There’s a saying that if he cheated someone to be with you, he will cheat on you to be with someone else.

Here’s how you can spot a serial cheater:

• He will indulge in grand gestures to make you believe that he is perfect for you
• He will keep things superficial
• His communication style is vague
• He loves the attention you give him. That’s about it. It’s the attention he loves. Not you
• His body language will be sexual and he will often try to touch you in an uncomfortable way

Most married men who have affairs aren’t serial daters but you never know what kind of a man you are dealing with. So, do a thorough research before you develop an emotional connection with a married guy.

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12. He constantly complains about his wife

If the man you are dating keeps telling you stories of his unhappy married life, making his wife the villian, and yet never talks about walking out of the marriage, then know that he is just gaining your sympathy. He is playing with your emotions and just wants to use you -both emotionally and physically.

This is a major red flag. A man should never badmouth about his wife to anyone. What goes on between them is for the married couple to decide and take action. He has no right to involve you in this. It shows his character.

If you notice him trash-talking about his wife and making you feel how you are just so much better than her, question yourself about where you are in his life rather than falling for his shallow intentions.

He could be trash-talking about you to his other girlfriend. That’s a possibility you can’t ignore.

“One thing I learned much later in life is when a man complains to me about his wife or girlfriend, it’s my job to defend the woman and not be the shoulder to cry on!”, writes a Reddit user when asked about married men complaining about their wives to their girlfriends.

13. You’ve never met his friends

“Does he love me more than his wife?” No.

Not if he hides you from the rest of the world. None of his friends or family members know about your existence in his life. That’s one of the warning signs you are in a one-sided relationship. You need to accept the fact that you are never going to be permanent and that is the truth. If he really loves you, you would have already met his inner circle.

His actions are proof that he is taking advantage of you. These things never take place in a healthy relationship and it proves that he doesn’t think of you as more than an “just another extramarital affair”. That’s where you stand in his life and it’s not fair.

14. He is reckless with sex and protection

A married man who is using you physically won’t care about the kind of sex you have. For example:

• All that he wants is to sleep with you but he won’t care if your sexual needs are being met
• He doesn’t care about your bedroom fantasies
• He forces you to do things even when he knows they make you uncomfortable.
• No foreplay or after-cuddles
• He only focuses on doing things that he enjoys the most

In addition to that, he won’t care about using protection. He will force you to take pills but won’t do anything to stay protected.

It’s time you stop being physically intimate with someone who won’t reciprocate the effort you are putting in. And if you get pregnant, he will fail to take accountability for it. Perhaps he will ask you to abort the baby too. You don’t want to be there, so think objectively.

15. He blames you for the affair

He won’t leave his wife but he will blame you for seducing and starting an illicit relationship with him. It’s all your fault. You approached him and you made him sleep with you. By saying such hurtful things. he will make you feel guilty and try to gaslight you into thinking you are the wrong one here and that you are asking unreasonable demands like asking him to accept you publicly or divorce his wife.

By this point, you ought to contemplate leaving him because if you don’t cut ties now, you will end up with a broken heart. Do advise him that both parties deserve equal credit here and he has no right to accuse you. These are all the signs a married man is using you. It surely feels devastating to be used in the name of love but don’t lose hope yet. What can you do now? Read along to find out.

What To Do When You Spot The Signs A Married Man Is Using You

When you recognize signs that a married man is using you, it’s important to address the situation with clarity and consideration for your own well-being. Here’s what you can do:

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1. Assess the situation with a clear head

Take a look at the dynamics of your relationship with the married man. Ask yourself if this is what you want in life:

• Do you really want to continue seeing him behind his wife’s back?
• Do you want to break a family for your selfish reasons?
• Is this the guy you want to spend your life with?
• Does he respect you?
• Is he hurting you?
• Are his actions affecting your self-esteem?

Think about whether his actions align with genuine care and respect or if they seem manipulative or selfish.

2. Trust your instincts and set boundaries

If you feel uncomfortable with the entire situation or suspicious about the married man’s intentions, trust your gut feelings as they are never wrong. Our instincts can make us more self-aware and will help us deal with manipulation, gaslighting, and deceit in a better way.

Furthermore, establish clear boundaries to protect your mental health. You can do so by clearly communicating your boundaries assertively and firmly. Let it be known that his behavior is unacceptable to you. Stick to these boundaries regardless of any pressure or persuasion from your married man.

3. Seek support

How to get over being used by a married man? Here are some useful tips:

• Reach out to your friends, family members, or a therapist. They will support and guide you
• Talk about your feelings and experiences with them as they can provide a different and fresh perspective
• Take care of your physical and emotional health by practicing self-love and self-care

4. Focus on yourself

You are the master of your own life. What you need to do currently is divert your energy toward your own interests, self-improvement, personal growth, happiness, and contentment.

Invest your time and effort into activities and connections that bring you joy and fulfillment as opposed to harping on a circumstance that is unsafe for you.

5. Consider ending the relationship

Sit back and think about his wife for a minute. She has no clue what’s happening between the two of you. When this dirty little secret comes out one day, she will be distraught and devastated. In the end, you will blame yourself for wrecking someone’s home.

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Also, if the married man continues to use or manipulate you despite your efforts to talk to him about the doubts you have regarding this relationship, it’s time you dump him. You must recognize your worth and prioritize your emotional well-being by distancing yourself from such toxic or unhealthy dynamics.

Extramarital affairs happen because of various reasons but none of them have anything to do with you. It’s the man who is responsible for his need for variety and sexual desire. Such married men usually never leave their wives for someone else.

You should be with someone who is proud to show you around and who expresses his desire to spend the rest of his life with you. Hold your head high and move on. You deserve better.

Infographic: 15 Clear Signs A Married Man Is Using You

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