He has promised you so many things, a bright future, holidays in Spain and a grand wedding reception. Despite his assurances, you still can’t shake the feeling he is still sleeping with his wife.

Your heart wants to believe your married lover is all yours, heart, body and soul – but your brain keeps questioning you if he is two-timing you. Your gut feeling says he is also involved physically with his wife.

And then one fine day, you want to come out of the confusion. Riding on two boats is tough for anyone and that is when you start looking for signs he is still sleeping with his wife, even if he says otherwise. You cannot prove it as yet, but careful observation will reveal the truth.

How To Tell If He’s Still Sleeping With His Wife

When you get involved with a married man, chances are lies will plague your relationship, sooner or later. Having a married man as a lover may sound exciting but is more complicated than you think. 

Sure, a married lover will know how to woo a woman, and may even be a better option than his single counterparts financially and socially, but there is no guarantee of a future.

Affairs with married men are successful only if you too have no desire of settling down, or are not looking for commitment.

If that is your game, then it is perfect to have a lover who will not pressurize you to commit, or meet his parents or be seen at social events, and so on. 

But if it is the other way round, your heart is surely going to take a blow, or two.

From why you are here, it is certain you expected your married lover to be yours’ and now you suspect he is also sleeping with his wife.

He has probably told you how things are all ‘dry’ between him and his wife, how everything between them is over and how unhappy he is, but you cannot convince yourself. Let us get you out of your misery:

1. He is secretive about his married life with you

When your affair partner started to woo you, he assured you there is nothing right about his marriage.

He has probably told you a million times how great you are as a person, and how much he always wanted a woman like you.

He has also kept tabs on your dating life, convincing you he is the best you got. But he never lets you know about his personal life. He has made you go weak in the knees with his romantic sweet nothings and you couldn’t help falling in love with him, despite the fact he is already taken. 

But when asked about details on his marriage, he diverts the topic. He has never shared anything about his marriage, his wife or his family with you. 

Ofcourse, you know the basics. Own house, two kids, a wife. 

But how is the equation with his wife? Is he unhappy? Why?

Is the marriage over? Then why are they living together?

Bottom line is if he does not talk about his marriage and why is he seeking love outside his marriage, he is still very much invested in it (and his wife), and just using you as a weekly excursion.

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2. He never speaks ill about her

If you are wondering if your married lover still loves his wife, then try saying something bad about her.

‘I’d cook your favorite dinner everyday if I were your wife. What does that crazy lady do all day sitting idle at home if she can’t even make a good meal for you?’

If he does not participate in such a conversation, chances are he is very well still invested in his wife and you are just someone he enjoys being with. 

There is no chance he will leave his wife for you, because even though he is cheating on her, he will always stand for her. He not only shares a physical bond with his wife but also a deep emotional connection. 

Look for these signs he still shares physical intimacy with his wife:

  • He diverts any such topic immediately
  • He defends her
  • He cross-questions you on your abilities or capacities
  • He seems visibly upset and rushes out of the room

All of the above signs indicate he cannot even hear anyone talking bad about his wife, leave alone him saying bad about her. He is emotionally attached to his wife and anyone insulting her would make his heart bleed. If you still need more proof he loves his wife, scroll below.

3. His wife’s social media is full of PDA pictures

So you decide to stalk your affair partner’s wife’s social media handles. You hope you’d find some sad posts, some proof of their unhappy life, or a desolate marriage.

But what do you see? Pictures and pictures of them posing arm in arm, hand in hand. They do not look like a couple who are battling issues and conflicts in their marriage. 

Instead they look happy, smiling at each other without a hint of marital conflict whatsoever. That is not a woman who would have given up on her marriage.

And yes, she is an attractive woman.

What does it mean?

Here, this man has been wooing you, making promises of forever love and a happy ever-after and his wife’s social media is already all that.

It is natural to feel jealous, used and envious. The social media PDA is sure to make you upset and sad. Your whole world comes crashing down and now you are certain he is playing games with you for his own vested interests.

how to tell if he's still sleeping with his wife
Image by Drazen Zigic on Freepik

4. They usually vacation on special days

Alright, you have set your heart on a married man, but now you realize your future is uncertain. All the promises of a happy forever seem to be fading away because you have this nagging feeling that no matter what he says, he still makes efforts to keep his wife happy.

An example of how he is keeping his married life thriving is his vacation history. And it won’t be hard to co-relate.

Pull out all the dates he was away ‘on work’, ‘business meeting’ or a ‘family function’. 

Now run the dates of his MIA with important dates in his life- his marriage anniversary, the wife’s birthday, the kids’ vacation time, valentines week and so on. 

If he has been giving you excuses to be away on these dates, it is certain he spends these special days of his life in exotic places with the people that matter the most to him- his wife, his kids, his family. 

We do not see ‘you’ anywhere in the picture.

It is time you should stop imagining that as well. 

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5. He always wears his wedding band

My husband’s wedding band is his commitment to me, at least metaphorically. I assume (and hope) he stays true to me till the time he is wearing his wedding ring. And if he does not, I have told him to take it off.

Does your married lover still wear his wedding band even though he has been cheating on his wife with you? 

Even when he gets physically intimate with you, he’s not take it off. Or if he does, it is only for that time being, when he pushes the testimony of his marriage away to focus on his carnal desires. 

Then take this with a pinch of salt- he is committed to his wife, you are just a distraction that will soon wear off his interest. He has no intention of leaving his wife for you or letting it be known to her that you are also there in his life.

6. You have spotted signs of love on his neck

The most pressing sign he is still sleeping with his wife would be spotting love-bites on his neck or elsewhere. If it’s not you, then he is definitely sleeping with another woman. 

The likelihood of another woman being his wife is very, very high. And even if it’s not his wife, then he is cheating on you as well. What a man?!

Plus, no matter how much you seduce him, he will not give in to the sexual advances. It is possible he is aware of the hickeys on his body and does not want you to discover them all. 

7. She seems all touchy-feely when you see them together

Have you ever attended any social event where your married lover made an appearance with his wife?

Try to recall their body language, the way they spoke, walked, danced.

Did it look like there was discord in their marriage and that they were looking to get separated? Did you sense any emotional distance or indifference in their relationship?

Or was it something like this:

  • Your married lover was helping his wife with her dress every now and then, holding her bag and stuff
  • He never left her side all through the event
  • They danced together, laughed together and others cracked a lot of couple jokes around them
  • He kept on adjusting her hair
  • She warmly pressed his hand many times

….And so on.

You see your place here? I am sure you were told a zillion rules to abide by citing social status, and while you just sulked at the corner, your heart couldn’t help but think how a man who is cheating on his wife can behave so romantically with her?

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8. They attend all personal and professional events together

And that is not all. 

Even though your married lover claims to love you and make you his wife one day, it seems the wife is oblivious to the idea. And why shouldn’t she? He makes her feel loved and wanted and that is what reflects in their relationship whenever you meet them. 

Your married man makes sure to attend all personal and professional events with his wife, hand in hand. And you? You just stand in the shadows. He is never going to marry you, trust me.

You cannot help but notice the glow on his wife’s face- that is not how someone would have been had they been going through turmoil in their relationship.

Her face, her body language, her antics all direct to the point she is happy as a bee, and there is a good indicator your married man has been satisfying her sexually as well.

9. False promises, deferred divorce

It is natural to question why won’t he leave her if he is unhappy? He may have said it to you, but there seems to be no movement in that direction.

On days when you are upset and depressed, your married lover may pitch the idea of divorce and marriage with you to calm you down.

But that is what it is. A calming tactic for you. To manipulate you.

True, divorce is not easy. He has to consider a ton of factors when actually considering divorcing his wife. And children in the equation make it even more complicated.

But if he is serious about leaving his wife, you’d notice some progress , albeit slow. It won’t happen overnight, but you’d know he is contacting the lawyers, weighing his case and getting some advice.

If none of this is happening, know that he is a man content in his marriage and you are just another thrilling adventure for him. He already has strong feelings for his wife and that aren’t going anywhere.

he chose his wife but still contacts me
Image by freepik

10. His wife says so

The worst way to know he is still sleeping with his wife is probably when his wife tells you the same. 

My friend Sharon was in a relationship with her boss for 3 years. She was pretty sure he is unhappy in his marriage and living forcibly with his wife and gave her all to this relationship. 

She also met his wife often at official gatherings. And on a fateful night, the wife just bragged about how her husband cannot keep his hands off her as soon as he reaches home. The particular wild night she was referring to was the same night Sharon had slept with her husband in a hotel room a few hours ago. 

Sharon was in tears but somehow remained calm. She ended the relationship a week later. 

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11. They live together, despite him claiming he is unhappy with his married life

For social status.

For the kids.

For the sake of the shared assets.

Your married lover will give you many excuses as to why he still lives with his wife when he is claiming he is unhappy with her. He keeps saying it is you who has given him purpose in life but all he does is spend time with his wife.

It shouldn’t be hard to figure this one out, eh?

Will He Leave His Wife For You?

If statistics are to be believed, Dr. Jan Halper, in his book states that only 3% of married men leave their wives to marry their mistresses.

Another dismal fact is 75% of these second marriages (marriages where extramarital affair partners marry) end in divorce. 

Just look around, how many people do you see who had an affair and are now married?

Very few, if you do.

Bottomline is, the chances of a married man leaving his wife to marry you are grim. Not to say there aren’t any, but they aren’t encouraging.

And if all the signs listed above define your relationship with your married lover, it is safe to assume he will NOT leave his wife to marry you.

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What To Do When He Won’t Leave His Wife But Won’t Let You Go

If he has chosen his wife over you and is still not letting you go, we suggest you be firm in your approach and decision. This is a clear sign that he never really loved you.

The main reason why he is still holding onto you is because you let him.

Whether he was unhappy when he met you, or you are indeed affectionate for him, the truth is your relationship is not going anywhere and you are trapped in this cycle of broken dreams and false promises.

There is hardly any positive lining to this situation.

You can:

  • Initiate honest communication, letting him know you cannot continue with him anymore and would put the relationship on hold
  • Cut off all contact with him, social, personal and mutual
  • Surround yourself with well-meaning friends and family
  • Confide in a trusted friend or companion
  • Take the help of a relationship counselor
  • Prioritize your own emotional well-being and mental health

Key Takeaways

  • Being in love with a married man is always a complicated situation to be in
  • If you have a nagging feeling he is sleeping with his wife, observe him carefully and decide how you want to proceed
  • If your married love has been sleeping with his wife and keeping you under the shadows, there is a strong chance he will discard you once he is done with you
  • Priortize your own mental health and well-being over everything else

Change is hard for everyone. Just as he would try to get you back in his life, know that it is not worth it. Give time to yourself, heal and then move on to find someone who loves you unconditionally. You deserve a serious relationship where the other person is as emotionally invested as you are.