Falling and staying in love are two different affairs. Relationships are an enigmatic territory, especially the long-term ones. Seven years back when you fell for your husband, you could barely keep your hands off each other. And now, after two kids and the daily grind of life, you don’t even kiss each other good night. What’s worse is that you don’t look forward to it either. “Why am I so turned off by my husband?”, you can’t seem to find an answer.

A dip in sexual attraction for your husband isn’t unusual. According to a survey run on 900 women in long-term heterosexual relationships, 36.59% of women are not attracted to their partners.

Another survey published in a BBC article suggests that 25.8% of married millennials reported having problems with sexual desire. 

We don’t want you to be just another statistic and live in an unhappy sexless marriage. Right now our goal is to find the root cause why you feel repulsed by your husband. Once that’s settled, we can offer you some effective strategies to resolve the physical and emotional disconnect.   

Why Are You So Turned Off By Your Husband – 10 Real Reasons 

Last week I was talking to my friend, Susan, and she shared her misery about her frustrating sex life. “I am completely turned off by my husband lately. You know his addictive behaviors are getting the best of him. He becomes a different person after half a bottle of bourbon and it’s getting worse every day. Now my skin crawls when my husband touches me. I have no idea how to make this marriage survive.”

Like in Susan’s case, sexual aversion is not always triggered by unappealing physical appearance. Various factors compel a woman to detach herself from her husband physically.

You will be surprised to know the underlying issues in a marriage contributing to a couple’s emotional distance and damaged sex life. Let us help you understand why you are so turned off by your husband:

1. Your husband doesn’t help around in the house

Traditional gender roles are discarded to a great extent in the 21st century. Women expect a generous helping hand from their husbands to share the household duties. It could be watching the baby or something as simple as watering the plants.

Your husband prioritizes his own needs ahead of yours and would rather spend his time lazing around while you run errands and attend to chores on your own. That is a sign of a selfish husband, in my view.

Or if your husband is a couch potato, it makes your daily life more strenuous as a working woman (or mother). Nothing you do seems to be enough.

These unmet expectations can have a serious impact on your physical relationship. Even research shows that lower sexual desire in women has a direct correlation with their husband’s lack of participation in household labor. Deep down you are mad at him for ignoring the basic husband duties. As a result, intimacy takes a backseat in your equation.

2. You don’t love him anymore

“I have no feelings for my husband anymore. Am I a bad wife?” – we got this in our email from a reader.

First of all, don’t be so hard on yourself. People grow apart. Their priorities change and it doesn’t happen overnight. Various factors are in play behind your change of heart. It could be unresolved conflicts, lack of respect, or different life values.

There are many ups and downs in a long-term relationship. That includes waning emotional intimacy. We are not saying the damage is irreparable.

Meanwhile, when you don’t feel connected to your husband anymore, maintaining physical intimacy can be exhausting. Sexual encounters without love always have their downsides, more so when it’s with your husband.  

3. Your husband cheated on you 

Did your husband get involved with another woman? Then it’s reasonable for you to think, “Why am I so turned off by my husband?”

Perhaps he slept with a colleague and later on, genuinely apologized for it. He convinced you he wants to make it work but it seems you are not fully on board.

Or maybe you found out about his ongoing affair. He still has the audacity to come home with a straight face and play with the children like nothing happened. 

If he is lying and cheating on you every day, you must feel emotionally detached from him.

After all, cheating is a serious betrayal of trust. When the emotional connection dies, it’s hard to keep the physical attraction alive.

We understand you want to make your marriage survive. But at what cost? Your husband repulses you with every touch. How much longer can you go on with the suppressed pain and hatred?

You May Also Like: 11 Heartbreaking Signs Your Husband Misses His Affair Partner 

4. He doesn’t address your needs in bed 

Women’s bodies respond differently to sexual stimulation. It takes 20 minutes on average for a woman to be fully aroused. A 2018 study reports that women need an average of 14 minutes to reach orgasm in partnered sex.

If your husband is sticking to the quickies before work with no foreplay whatsoever, we understand your sexual aversion. He’s oblivious to your pleasure. Neither has he any interest in exploring your sexual fantasies. Naturally, your unmet needs are drawing you away from your husband.

A Quora user rightly expresses his thoughts that clarify your partner’s perspective in this regard, “As a man I can tell you it’s easy to get comfortable in your relationship and be perfectly happy and content and assume that the wife feels the exact same way. We often miss that your needs are different from ours. We just think that you are supposed to know that we value you and appreciate you simply because we’re there. That’s a major flaw in men.”

i am completely turned off by my husband

5. Your low self-esteem is coming in the way of your sexual desire 

We all have days when we fail to see our worth. The way you perceive yourself, you believe your husband sees you in the same light too. That’s where the emotional detachment and lack of sexual interest arise from. One can be low on confidence due to financial dependency, mental health struggles, or body image issues. 

After a little weight gain, you tend to feel disgusted looking at your own body. You make it up in your head that your husband now finds you unattractive and unappealing.

Although that may not be the case at all. Self-awareness is necessary. But if you overdo it and remain very conscious about how others perceive you, it will bring troubles to your marriage and other fronts of life. 

6. Both you and your husband sweep your problems under the rug

Do you tend to avoid uncomfortable conversations in your marriage? You resort to long silence when you should have embraced open communication. Instead of trying to bring clarity to your situation, you get up, get dressed, and go to that party. The underlying reason behind your squabbles remains unaddressed. 

The unresolved conflicts pile up and so does your emotional detachment. It reaches a point when you don’t feel connected to your husband anymore. You can barely sit and have an open dialogue about your feelings. A sexual relationship doesn’t even make the top five of your priority list.

7. Your post-pregnancy body is not ready for intimacy

“Why am I so turned off by my husband?” you wonder. Well, it’s normal if you are a new mommy. Your body will need recovery time before you develop any sexual interest. The sleepless nights and the stress of taking care of a newborn are a lot to handle. You will be fatigued all the time. 

Your mental health will be a mess due to postpartum depression. Don’t be upset if you don’t feel sexual attraction for your husband in this state of emotional instability. This aversion will go away eventually. Until then, focus on self-care and self-love. 

8. His abusive behavior is causing physical and emotional detachment

Something is deeply wrong in your marriage when even kissing your husband repulses you. Abuse can be a significant turn-off, be it physical or emotional. If the home you share with your husband doesn’t feel like a safe space, what chances do you have to build a healthy sex life?

Our reader Julia writes to us from Washington about her share of emotional abuse from her husband Phill, “No matter what I do, my husband is always there by my side to disapprove of all my life choices. He gaslights me into believing the worst about myself. Does it have anything to do with the fact that my husband repulses me sexually?” 

Well, yes. Constant criticism from your spouse can deeply affect your mental health and well-being. Having a husband who thinks he does nothing wrong will chip away your emotional bond. Before you know it, the initial attraction that was keeping you and your husband together is now gone!

This May Also Help: Platonic Marriage — Meaning, Types, Benefits, And Is It Right For You?

9. You have low libido due to external stressors

Many studies prove that chronic stress reduces the level of women’s sexual arousal. In today’s world of hustle culture, stress factors are abundant around us.

You put those extra hours in the office. At home, you are concerned about the well-being of your family. After all of that, you have to maintain a social life and find time to do what makes your soul happy. There is just too much on your plate and so something will fall off.

How does one manage everything seamlessly? The pressure of balancing personal growth and a healthy relationship hits your body harder than you think. It disturbs your natural sexual drive. If you feel a physical and emotional disconnection from your partner, it may not always be an indicator of your feelings for him. Check in with yourself if you are burnt out.

10. He has stopped putting any effort into the marriage 

Emotional intimacy in a marriage breaks due to many reasons and lack of effort is one of them. You live your own separate lives. No more love notes or surprise birthday parties. The idea of quality time becomes non-existent. Romance goes out of the window at the first chance.

No wonder its impact reaches your bedroom. The same sexual routine sets in as he is least bothered about keeping things interesting. All he cares about is fulfilling his own needs. And you keep questioning yourself, “Why am I so turned off by my husband?”

Anyone would lose their passion after months of unmet expectations. It hits a new low when he gives up on hygiene and looking presentable for you. We don’t blame you if you have the ick with your husband.

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How To Stop Being Turned Off By Your Husband – 6 Practical Tips

“I am completely turned off by my husband. What should I do?”— Don’t worry; we will try to remedy your situation. If you and your husband are buried in marital problems, you can always seek professional help. A family therapist can help you resolve the underlying issues in your relationship and reignite the sexual sparks.

However, you can do a few things before visiting a licensed therapist. It will re-establish the emotional connection and rebuild trust in your marriage. As these are the stepping stones of any sexual relationship, once these are fixed, your marriage will be on the right track. Here are 6 practical steps to stop being turned off by your husband:

1. Have an open communication about your feelings

You can’t say “I feel disconnected from my husband” and not do anything about it. Start small and break the ice first.

Be honest with him—tell him how you have been feeling lately. Keep your cool; don’t directly jump into the blame game.

Give him ample time to listen and respond to your side of the story. You can take it forward from there and decide how you both want to navigate the situation.

Effective communication has the power to resolve half your problems.

my skin crawls when my husband touches me

2. Remember, self-reflection is also important 

If you spend a little time with your own feelings, you may find an answer to “Why am I so turned off by my husband?” Are you worried you are not able to satisfy him in bed? Are you insecure about how you look? When was the last time you complimented your man?

Pinpoint what’s holding you back from being sexually active with your husband. Here are some self-care tips to feel more confident about yourself:

  • Meditate every day
  • Hit the gym
  • Set some professional goals and work toward achieving them
  • Give yourself a makeover or change your wardrobe
  • Socialize with a group of people who have a positive mindset 

3. Draw some boundaries if needed

Healthy boundaries can do magic for your relationship. When you acknowledge each other’s limitations instead of assuming the worst, it can bring you closer to each other.

If you are not in a good place, physically or mentally, take some time for yourself. Your husband will understand. With his love and empathy, you will overcome your plight rather easily. 

You May Also Like: How To Be Nice To Your Husband : Small Acts, Big Impact

4. Resolve the pile of conflicts 

It’s time for tough love now. You can’t get out of this rut unless you are brutally honest with him about his shortcomings. It will not be an easy conversation. But you have to explain to him what exactly is bothering you.

Address all the disagreements you have never discussed. Find a way to resolve the conflicts; seek professional support if that feels necessary. But you both need to be equally invested in the process to meet each other halfway and make this marriage work.

5. Reinvent what intimacy means for you 

When you started dating five years ago, you used to burn for each other. With time, that passion cools down. You get comfortable with each other’s flaws and appreciate your emotional closeness. Now that you have hit rock bottom after years of togetherness, it’s time to explore new forms of intimacy. 

  • You could try roleplaying and introduce fun tools to keep the spark alive
  • Invest more time in foreplay; rediscover each other’s pleasure points
  • Don’t get caught up in performance anxiety. Be present in the moment and enjoy
  • Focus on nonverbal ways of showing affection such as cuddling, holding hands

6. Bring back the romance 

It may seem impossible given your repulsion for your husband’s touches. But your feelings for each other have not magically vanished. They are tucked under years of disrespect, fights, and carelessness. All you need to do is to dig a little deeper. 

Think about what made you fall for him in the first place. Start dating each other again. Try to find the last shred of common ground and shared interests. Have your conversations around it; spend quality time with each other doing what you both love.

Once you rekindle the romance, the physical attraction will come back. Trust us, you will have your second first kiss and it will give you butterflies!

Hopefully, we could shed some light on your “Why am I so turned off by my husband?” dilemma. Now you know how to navigate your sexual aversion to revive your marriage.

We are all for positivity but we don’t want you to stick to a relationship that makes you miserable. If you are in a toxic, abusive marriage where there’s no hope, just leave. If your husband is reluctant to make any changes despite all your efforts, part ways with him. Be wherever you are happy and respected.