A genuine apology is always heartfelt. It involves being earnest, showing readiness toward changing attitudes, sincerely apologizing, and never repeating those mistakes again intentionally. But when these elements are missing after a fight and your boyfriend doesn’t do anything to make things right for you, it’s one of the most obvious signs he is not sorry for hurting you.

It is even more worrisome if your partner is at fault here and deeply hurt you. Those who aren’t truly remorseful use the word “sorry” to simply pacify the fuming situation. There is an evident lack of empathy and it will reflect in your partner’s actions. So, how can you tell if a guy is genuinely sorry for the same hurtful behavior? Go through the below, and you will find your answer.

15 Upsetting Signs He Is Not Sorry For Hurting You 

Despite a common stereotype that men are the ones who apologize first and often, it has been proven wrong by studies. It has been found that women are the ones who apologize more frequently because they have a lower threshold for what classifies as offensive behavior.

On the other hand, men get offended by the slightest of things. And when they apologize, it’s, more often than not, half-baked. Read along and find out instances where men aren’t really sorry for hurting you:

1. He doesn’t apologize 

Some men are still living in their “apologizing makes you weak” era and perceive being sorry as humiliating. Therefore, they avoid saying sorry and will never take full responsibility for their words and actions. Living with such a man can be frustrating. It’s like he is always Mr. Right and you are the one who is always at fault.

You are always the one who gets hurt, and he doesn’t make a big deal about it. Such heartbreaking situations can take a toll on your emotional well-being. When someone won’t apologize for hurting you, it’s a clear indication they aren’t sorry for hurting you. Your man lacks empathy and expects you to put this behind without any communication, consolation, or compassion. 

Gradually, you will feel ignored, and this will negatively affect your relationship.

2. He plays it cool 

First, he doesn’t give you a genuine apology. And then he will act like it’s not a big deal. He will say things like:

  • You are oversensitive 
  • You are still stuck on that? 
  • Don’t be such a baby 
  • Get over it already! 

This is one of the clear signs a guy is keeping you as an option. A man who really loves you will never run away from accountability. If you are hurt, he will make it a point to sit down and make it right by you. He will make amends and will make sure you don’t hold a grudge against him. 

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3. He deflects blame and holds you responsible 

It is classic blame-shifting when he says things like, “You made me do this”, “You said this so I said that in retaliation”, or “You are the one who started the fight”. His bad temper is because of you. His cut-throat statements are because of you.

A lack of empathy can make people deflect the blame and not take responsibility for their actions. This is one classic manipulation techniques used by people with narcissist tenndecies.

A guy who feels no remorse for causing you pain will never take accountability but will give you excuses. He is only causing further pain in your life by gaslighting you. That’s his own perception of how he can never be problematic and that you are the one who is troubled. So he will blame you for all your relationship problems. 

5. Your partner dismisses your feelings

Ever poured your heart out to him only to hear him say, “Well… you are just overthinking it”? Yes. That’s what we are talking about. That’s called invalidating someone’s feelings. Your emotions, feelings, and concerns need to be heard, understood, and validated, even if your partner isn’t on the same page about it. He can agree to disagree respectfully.

He just has to sit there, pay attention to you, make eye contact, and accept your feelings instead of dismissing them. If all he does is roll his eyes or yawn, this is one of the warning signs that he isn’t sorry for hurting you.

Dismissing your S/O’s feelings can further lead to communication breakdowns and emotional distance. Studies confirm frequent invalidation in relationships can further pave the way for depression and anxiety. That’s why it is crucial to never take your partner’s feelings lightly. 

5. He makes excuses for his actions

Does he feel bad for hurting me?” No. Not at all if he keeps offering you a multitude of lame excuses for his behavior. It is not a sincere apology if it comes with an excuse. An excuse itself indicates your partner is deceptive. When someone tries to justify their actions instead of taking responsibility for them, they are just causing more hurt to that person.

Your boyfriend is making you feel unrecognized. This won’t help you feel better about the situation. He perhaps knows he messed up, but he will not accept it. Instead, you will end up blaming yourself for triggering him. This might be a sign that you should sit him down and have an honest conversation about how you are feeling.

It is essential to have an understanding partner in a healthy relationship. If this does not work out, you should re-evaluate your relationship.

He makes excuses and forces you to forgive him

6. He doesn’t try to make it up to you

When actions speak louder than words, he will make things right by showing empathy, spending quality time, and surprising you with gifts. Some guys even make grand gestures to show how truly sorry they are.

Furthermore, your partner will reflect on the fight and what led to it. He will use it as an opportunity to learn about your triggers and work on improving the relationship. But this will all happen if he feels sorry for causing you pain and hurt.

On the contrary, if his own actions reveal that he doesn’t care about your feelings and goes on about his life as if he didn’t hurt you, it’s one of the key signs he isn’t genuinely sorry for hurting you. It’s one of the major red flags. Such instances can make you feel alone and trapped. It’s best to seek professional help and not let this weigh you down. 

7. His actions don’t align with his words

He says he is sorry. He pretends like he means it. Yet, he repeats the same hurtful behavior over and over again. His body language and attitude does not make you feel like he is sorry.

Why is that? It’s because he isn’t genuinely remorseful for hurting you. He said sorry just for the heck of it so the two of you can get back to being normal, as per him. This is his way of diffusing a situation, and not feeling any regret for hurting you.

His changed behavior is temporary, and that’s for naughty reasons. Then he goes back to the same way he was. Fighting, blame-shifting, hurtful actions, and constantly criticizing even after promising you a hundred times that he won’t do these things again.

8. He forces you to forgive him

When the worst comes to the worst, he will force you to forgive him because he is done with all the fights. He isn’t feeling guilty for causing you pain. He is just exhausted and wants to go back to his old routine.

But he still isn’t truly remorseful for what he did. So, he keeps apologizing till you cave in. You can sense the lack of genuineness, but he will make it tough for you to think straight.

This isn’t healthy. When he compels you to forgive or puts you under a lot of pressure to let things go, it produces a polarizing effect as it invalidates your pain and suffering. Forgiveness is a voluntary process that comes straight from the heart.

Now, it’s up to you to choose and decide if you want to forgive things or move on with your life. 

9. He shows no remorse 

Why do guys purposely hurt you? It’s usually because they think they do not even realize they hurt you. Also, when you make it explicit that you are hurt, they will never show remorse for the damage caused. Here is what it looks like when your partner doesn’t show any repentance or deep regret: 

  • He will deny any wrongdoing or refuse to acknowledge his actions that contributed to the problem
  • He will downplay the impact of his actions, making it seem less significant than it actually is
  • He will show indifference to your feelings or appear unconcerned about the pain he has caused

Showing remorse is an essential part of rebuilding trust, affection, and love after a fight. But when your partner engages in such unhealthy behavior, it will majorly contribute as one of the external factors for the downfall of your relationship. 

He shows no remorse for hurting you

10. He doesn’t discuss the fight 

He is tight lipped about it. He doesn’t discuss it. He will act like such a fight never happened between the two of you. It’s as if you imagined the fight and he is chilling with his friends like nothing happened. This is one of the signs he isn’t sorry for hurting you. Ergo, one’s mistakes have to be owned in order to move forward in the relationship.  

Kayla, a 30-year-old receptionist from Los Angeles, says, “Does he feel bad for hurting me? I don’t know because he doesn’t discuss the fights we have. He ignores them. It makes me think that maybe he has no remorse for hurting me.”

Sweeping issues under the carpet only makes a mountain with time. a study cited by the Daily mail from Psychologists at the University of Exeter states that timely recollection of of emotional incidents enabled people to deal with it better. So, its no surprise happy couples take on issues heads-on, rather than waiting for the mountain to explode.

Read This: Why Do I Attract Narcissists — 8 Possible Reasons And How To Respond

11. He lacks empathy

When your partner isn’t able to feel your sorrow and pain and refuses to look at things from your perspective, you can be sure he lacks empathy. And because he is unable (or does not want to) understand how you feel, there is a good chance your communication will also suffer greatly. If your S/O is willing to cultivate empathy for a better and satisfying relationship, there is still hope.

However, if he is giving you half-hearted apologies without any commitment to acknowledge his bias, it can be a huge red flag. His lack of empathy is a clear indication that he doesn’t fully understand the seriousness of the situation. It’s just his words that are hollow and lacking in empathy. 

12. He gaslights the situation 

Gaslighting is a manipulative behavior where someone tries to make another person doubt their own perception, memory, or feelings. When someone gaslights a situation instead of apologizing, it can be emotionally abusive and damaging to the relationship. Here are some gaslighting phrases he will use instead of sincerely apologizing for his actions:

  • I am sorry YOU feel that way
  • I don’t see how I did anything wrong
  • My intention wasn’t to hurt you
  • Is this how your brain works? You are internalize trivial things way more than it is required 
  • The nail in the coffin statement — you are making a mountain out of a molehill 

One to be selfless to apologize without gaslighting your partner. It takes a lot of bravery to let go of your pride and accept your shortcomings. 

why do guys purposely hurt you
Image by Drazen Zigic on Freepik

13. He gets defensive when confronted 

When your partner gets defensive instead of apologizing, it’s one of the crucial signs he isn’t sorry for hurting you. He will respond to your concerns by attacking, belittling, or criticizing you. He will make you feel guilty for your hurt and pain and his body language will be negative. 

Here is the most scary part of it all — he will respond with anger, aggression, and violence as a defense mechanism, making it difficult to have a productive conversation. These signs indicate defensiveness, which shows he isn’t sorry for hurting you.

14. He disregards your boundaries 

Effective boundaries set the stage for positive relationships1. Healthy dating boundaries are crucial for mutually satisfying relationships and your own well-being. And boundaries only work if both partners adhere and respect them.

You set boundaries that he isn’t supposed to cross but he does it over and over again. It’s a toxic cycle. He crosses your boundaries in the first place, apologizes for it, then does it again. It’s clear that he doesn’t respect you, your feelings, and the boundaries you have drawn to keep your mental health at peace. His apologies aren’t 

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15. He doesn’t show any willingness to save the relationship 

Both partners need to make efforts to save a relationship, else it becomes a one-sided relationship. If your partner apologizes, then he needs to mean it and not repeat those mistakes. A careless one will proceed to do the things he promised he wouldn’t, it’s one of the signs he doesn’t want this relationship to last long. Hence, those lukewarm apologies and lackluster attempts to make you feel better.

How To Deal With This Situation?

Just recognizing the signs isnt going to help you. You need to learn how to deal with it. It can be challenging, but it’s important to prioritize your emotional well-being and the health of the relationship. Here are some steps to consider:

  • Initiate an honest and calm conversation with your partner. Try to rebuild trust and love by expressing your feelings and concerns about their lack of genuine remorse. Use “I” statements to describe how their actions have affected you
  • Ask your partner about their perspective and why they may not be sorry. Listen actively to their side of the story, even if you don’t agree
  • Not everyone understands the importance of boundaries. So, clearly define them and what behavior is acceptable to you in the relationship. Be prepared to enforce these boundaries if necessary
  • Reflect on whether the relationship is healthy and fulfilling your emotional needs. Consider whether staying in the relationship is in your best interest
  • You need to understand that genuine remorse may take time to develop. Some people may even need more time to recognize the impact of their actions
  • Consider whether this lack of empathy, remorse, and frequently having a bruised ego is a recurring pattern. If it is, it may be a sign of deeper issues that need to be addressed

Key Takeaways 

  • When a guy hurts you and isn’t truly sorry, he makes excuses for his actions 
  • He won’t accept his mistakes and he will try to place the blame on you 
  • He will gaslight the situation in many other ways and he won’t put any effort to save the relationship 

You deserve to be in a relationship where your feelings are acknowledged and respected. Addressing a lack of honest apology and requires open communication, self-care, and a willingness to seek professional help if necessary. If you feel like you can’t take it anymore, talk to your partner about this and try to fix things before it disrupts your relationship.