How To Set Boundaries With Family For Better Relationships

Setting boundaries with family probably comes across as a selfish decision, but it is a critical life choice. We love our families, but there comes a time when we need some time off from them. However, how to set boundaries with family when we are raised with the notion that family is everything? Cutting them off is absolutely unacceptable.

They say family is always there for you– sometimes that’s the issue! You lose your mind when you see them all the time around. Literally, everywhere, interfering in everything, questioning your decisions and doubting your choices. There’s no personal space and on top of that they are peeking every moment. I’ve been there too and that’s when I realized how important is it to set boundaries with family.

Think of boundaries as a set of rules that protects your heart and mind, and is respectable to others as well. They are critical in families, and become the guidelines on how to treat each other. To maintain rewarding family relationships, setting healthy boundaries and being consistent with them can have a positive effect, says this research.

But families can test each others’ boundaries. Studies suggest that absence of boundaries within a family and with extended family members can cause aggression issues. 

That is why it is imperative to understand and implement clear boundaries with your family. Trust me, they help a lot when it comes to your feelings, energies, and mental health.

What Are Boundaries?

Think of boundaries as guidelines, “This is okay, but this isn’t.” Simply put, boundaries are just a way to tell others things that are acceptable to you and things you do not want. And when you stay consistent with boundaries, your family, friends and other people get a fair understanding of how you’d like to be treated as a person.

Before jumping straight to setting boundaries, first, you need to identify the difference between healthy and unhealthy boundaries. This can help you make the right decision for yourself. Majorly, boundaries are categorized in two ways – healthy and unhealthy. 

1. Healthy boundaries: When you feel safe and respected in a relationship, without isolating yourself – such situations occur due to healthy or good boundaries. You can let people in your life but also know when to close the gate, the balance is known as healthy boundaries
2. Unhealthy boundaries: When your life decisions are made by your family and they interfere to the extent that you have no personal life, it is indicative that you have unhealthy boundaries with them. You let people walk all over you, and you end up feeling stressed and overwhelmed.

The idea is to always have healthy boundaries with everyone around you, from family members to even your friends and partner. But, you must have a basic idea about both categories, so you can balance out your relationships easily. 

What Are The Types Of Boundaries

Let’s move one step ahead from the healthy and unhealthy boundaries. How would you figure out which boundary you need to introduce in a relationship? A good way to do this is by looking at where you’re having issues with your family members.

Take some time to reflect on the moments and the incidents that went out of line for you. Like perhaps that marriage that your mom forced you to attend, but you hated every moment of that.

Or that relative who asks you uncomfortable questions but your family does not take your discomfort seriously.

Or perhaps the family drama is a bit too much stress for you. But for some reason, you are always dragged in to take sides.

Are these issues stressful for you? If the answer is ‘yes’, then these are some areas where you need firmer boundaries to protect your mental peace.

From my life experiences, I’ve figured out five common and healthy boundaries that everyone must know and follow. Depending where you are on your problem areas, a clear understanding of each of these will help you make your life better.

1. Physical boundaries: These are all about your space, body, and physical touch. If you do not like anyone touching you without your will, no matter what the relationship, they should not. Period.

Example: You may not like hugs and you would prefer handshakes (especially if you are an introvert.) Ask yourself: how close is too close for you? Is there a certain way you prefer to be touched or not touched at all? The solution can be as simple as saying, “I’m not comfortable with hugging, but I’d love a high-five!”

As per research, when someone respects your personal boundaries, you start feeling safe. 

2. Time boundaries: These are about how you manage your time and how much time you’re willing to give to or spend with other family members. You necessarily don’t have to make an excuse, if you just want to sit in and watch TV and it should be okay to say “no” to dinner plans.

Example: Maybe you’re someone who needs time to recharge after work, or if you’re occupied with something and cannot make it to yet another family gathering. Telling your family how you want to spend your time will fall under time boundaries.

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3. Emotional boundaries: Healthy emotional boundaries protect your feelings and mental health. When you establish healthy emotional boundaries, no one invalidates your feelings or makes fun of your emotions.  

Example: You might say, “I can’t talk about this right now,” or “I need some time alone to process my thoughts.” And your family members take a step back.

4. Material boundaries: These revolve around your possessions and finances. This type of boundary is about what you’re willing to share and how you want your belongings to be treated (especially if you want to set boundaries with extended family.) In my case, I absolutely hate when someone takes any of my things (be it a book, a dress, or an accessory) and doesn’t return it on time!

Example: If you are someone like me, you might want to have rules about lending out your car, money, or favorite books. You could say, “I’m happy to lend this to you, but please return it by next week.”

5. Relationship boundaries: They are about setting the rules in any type of relationship—whether it’s with your mom, dad, siblings, uncle, aunts, etc. This could include how much time you spend together, how you communicate, and what behaviors are acceptable to you.

Example: With your mom, you might say, “I need space when I’m upset.” Or, “I do not want to discuss what my brother told me about his wife.”

When boundaries are crossed in a relationship, it’s for no one’s good. Maintaining boundaries helps ensure that your family relationships remain healthy, respectful, and supportive.  

10 Practical Tips To Set Boundaries With Difficult Family Members

Do you have to deal with toxic people in your family every day? They could be anyone – your mom or dad or grandparents. Possibly if your mom and dad aren’t a happy couple, you have to deal with a lot of negative and controlling energy. You are forced to agree with their principles and beliefs, you’re blamed for everything, and you don’t have your own identity. Ugh! 

To maintain peace and need to protect your own well-being, setting boundaries in a family should be a top priority for everyone. Sadly, they aren’t, because we are used to taking our family members as granted. . 

Here are 10 practical tips to help you understand how to set boundaries with family, even though they will be uncomfortable at first.

1. Identify what’s bothering you

Before you can set clear boundaries, it’s important to figure out exactly what’s bothering you. Take a moment to think about your interactions with the difficult family members. What specifically is stressing you out?

Have you identified the signs your family does not respect you?

Or you are able to see through their narcissist patterns?

Once you know what exactly is bothering you, you’ll understand which type of boundary (as discussed above) you need to implement in that situation.

• Let me give you an example: Imagine you’re at a family gathering, and your aunt always finds a way to bring up sensitive topics —like about your career or your broken engagement. Every time she does it, it doesn’t do any good for your self-esteem, and you leave the conversation feeling upset.

While there’s a possibility that she’s doing it unintentionally, still it doesn’t feel good to you, right? No need to be a people pleaser and take it all in. 

• What you can do: Next time you see her, say something like, “Aunt Lisa, I know you care about me a lot, but talking about my career in a public gathering really makes me uncomfortable. I’d prefer if we stick to other topics.”

This way, you’ve pinpointed what’s bothering you, and you’re taking steps to protect yourself from those uncomfortable moments in the future.

2. Be clear with what you want

It is the key. Don’t just drop hints thinking the other person will catch them because, honestly, most people can’t. Or even if they can, they’ll pretend that they did not– so be clear and direct with your boundaries. 

Once I was at a wedding dinner, where a distant relative, who had no filter (btw) – started making comments about my weight. She said, “Have you lost weight? You look thinner than last time!” While it seems harmless, for me, it hit a nerve. I tried changing the subject or laughing it off, but the comments kept coming.

If you often find yourself in such a situation, here’s:

• What you can do: Take a deep breath and say with a smiling face, “When you comment on my weight, it makes me uncomfortable. I know you may not mean it in a bad way, but I’d really appreciate it if you don’t talk about it.”

It might feel awkward at first, but hey! You don’t mean to attack her, you’re simply stating how her comments make you feel and what you’d like to happen instead – The Boundaries. 

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3. Use ‘I’ statements as much as you can

Instead of saying, “You always do this” or “You never listen,” which can sound like accusations, you can focus on your feelings and needs. This way, you can clearly express what really bothers you without striking a fight.

Let’s say you’re planning a family dinner with your brother and cooking his favorite meal. But, suddenly, he texts you at the last moment saying he might not make it. It’s natural to feel frustrated at this moment and more if this isn’t the first time this has happened.

• What you can do: Instead of calling him and lashing out, “You never stick to the plan, blah blah..” you could try something like, “I feel really stressed when plans change at the last minute because I like to have things organized.”

This way you can help the other person understand your perspective and introduce boundaries effectively.

4. Limit spending time 

It often feels exhausting dealing with difficult family members, like they are pulling my energy. So setting limits on how often you want to interact with them and for how long may help. They’re family members, after all, you’ll have to face them during the holiday season or gatherings. 

Your Uncle Laurent tends to dominate conversations like he knows all. You like him, but after an hour of listening, you start to feel drained. So, you decide that at the next family dinner, you’ll stay for an hour and then politely excuse yourself.

• What you can do: Say something like, “Thanks, Uncle. I’ve had a great time, but I need to head out early tonight.”

This way, you’ve listened to him, but set a clear boundary without sacrificing your emotional and personal health.

5. Be consistent 

Once you’ve set a boundary, it’s essential to stick to it. Don’t give mixed signals to your family members. They might think, “Oh, it’s not that important,” or, “Maybe they’ve changed their mind.” This can lead to them continuing the behaviors that make you uncomfortable.

Let’s say, you have just had a baby, and your in-laws keep dropping by your house unannounced. You’ve explained that you need some notice, as it is difficult for you to manage things after having a baby. But, there are always boundary violations from their end and you let it slide because you’re tired of the confrontation with the narcissist mother-in-law that never ends well.

This is why consistency is required. 

• What you can do: Say, “I’ve mentioned before that I need you to call before coming over. It helps me feel prepared and ensures it’s a good time. Please respect this.”

Remember, don’t act rude or harsh. Just politely remind them about the boundaries. 

6. Say NO!

It is NOT WRONG! It is one of the most effective ways to protect your boundaries, especially with difficult family members. Saying no doesn’t make you a bad person or a bad family member. It simply means you’re taking care of yourself.

One of my friends used to say yes to every other person (she just couldn’t say no) all the time, even when she was overwhelmed. She didn’t want to let anyone down, but every time she agreed to help, she ended up feeling exhausted. Eventually, she realized that her constant yes was taking a toll on her well-being.

Are you her?

• What you can do: Start by practicing saying No for the starters. And then try “I’m sorry, I can’t do that today. I need some time for myself.”

It’s that simple to create boundaries and protect your well-being.

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7. Stay kind and assertive 

The process of introducing boundaries can be a real patience test. It’s easy for you to get emotional when the person is pushing your buttons. But, the mantra is to keep it cool!

Imagine you’re at a family gathering, and your cousins bring up a topic you’ve asked them to avoid—your relationships. Well, it’s natural for you to feel angry at this moment because it’s a sensitive subject.

• What you can do: Remember the mantra – say, “I understand that you have concerns, but I’ve already made my decision, and I’d prefer if we didn’t discuss it right now.”

Being assertive with family isn’t about being rude. It’s about clearly communicating your own needs while remaining respectful.

8. Accept that the change may take time 

After all, we don’t belong to the same generation as our parents. It is not a thing of their time. They will take time to understand the whole concept of setting boundaries with family– and you will have to accept that.

It happened to me, my mom took years to finally understand and accept boundaries. Have patience – both with yourself and with them.

9. Tackle the first interaction (after setting boundaries)

When you’re about to have your first interaction where your new boundaries will be tested, it’s a good idea to have a list of coping strategies ready.

• Remind them about the boundaries 
• If the conversation gets too heated, step outside or just walk away (respectfully)
• Talk to your favorite cousin or friend about it 

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10. Consult a therapist

Talk to a licensed therapist or a licensed mental health professional, they are professionals and can help you throughout the journey of setting boundaries with parents.

You can even go for online therapy (affordable, convenient and confidential) if you think you’re busy at home and can’t step out. You just need to share your experiences with them, they’ll understand your family systems and can provide advice.

Setting boundaries is not always easy that too with your parents – but it is important to do that so you can create healthier relationships. Now you know how to set boundaries with family, time to get to work! Remember, it’s okay to prioritize your needs, and with time, your family members may start to respect your boundaries.